Fantastic Fried Foods at Fair

It is no secret that fried foods are one of the greatest attractions at fairs and festivals. “It’s amazing how truly delicious unhealthy foods can become when they are made even more unhealthy,” said an operator of one fried food stand.

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Fire Snaps, Crackles & Pops

Doug Allen’s family groaned when he made a corny joke during a marshmallow roast on Saturday night. “This fire sounds like my cereal,” Mr. Allen offered. After no one showed any curiosity, Mr. Allen finished the joke by noting that the fire snapped, crackled, and popped. To make things even worse, Mr. Allen asked his family if they got the joke when the punch line failed to produce a laugh.

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It’s Like Watching Paint Dry

Ray Henson has spoken out about his recent attempt to watch a wildly popular British period drama with his wife. “The show was about two hours long, but nothing happened,” Mr. Henson complained. Mr. Henson said that the show was about as exciting as watching paint dry.

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Tapping Disrupts the Serenity of Nature

Dr. Clarence P. Wilson thought that a peaceful weekend getaway in the woods would be the perfect escape from the stresses of big city life. As fate would have it, Dr. Wilson never got the rest that he desired. “There was a woodpecker that kept tap-tap-tapping on the tree outside of my cabin window all weekend long,” Dr. Wilson grumbled.

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Smoke Detector Warned Family

The Greens were quite startled to hear the piercing scream of their smoke detector coming from inside their house on Sunday afternoon. “We were having a family barbecue in the backyard, so our first thought was that the smoke from the grill had somehow set off the alarm,” Larry Green recounted. “The smoke turned out to be from a batch of brownies that my mom was baking for dessert,” Rachel Green explained.

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Bed Bugs Bite Businessmen

The threat of bed bugs is now seen as one of the biggest hazards to business travel as the unwelcome pests have become a growing problem for the hotels of major cities. “I miss the old days when it was just the rats and cockroaches that we had to worry about,” one longtime life insurance salesman said wistfully.

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Kirsten Has Worst Idea Ever

Kirsten and her friends had been looking forward to performing together in the school talent show for months, but they couldn’t agree on what to do in their act. Near the end of a long and disappointing planning session, Kirsten suggested that the girls learn a new song on the recorders that they had purchased for their music class. Not surprisingly, Kirsten’s friends immediately called the suggestion out for being the worst idea ever.

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Facebook “Friends” Are Like Crayons

Judy Reynolds had been looking forward to catching up with her old friends when she first signed up for a Facebook account, but she was ultimately disappointed by the experience. “Facebook friends are like crayons,” Reynolds said after deactivating her account. “They’re exciting when they’re new, but they can get dull very quickly.” Ms. Reynolds claims to have no interest in looking at pictures of what people had for dinner, and she has better things to do than to respond to invitations to play online games.

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Can Was Hiding Behind Crackers

Ralph Davis wanted to make a tuna fish sandwich last Wednesday, but wasn’t able to because he couldn’t find the tuna fish can. The can eventually turned up behind a box of saltine crackers that Mr. Davis removed from the cupboard when he had chili for dinner last night. “The tuna can had been hiding at the back of the shelf all along,” Mr. Davis marveled.

What type of figurative language is being used?